2008-06-19 - 11:55 a.m.

*****

Entirely without purpose. Purposeless I stand. I am reduced to watching by slow measure the disintegration of the fragment of a remaining dream. A remnant is all. It ventures to and fro, here and there but is of little significance, for it has been torn at the edges and has lost its sense of coherence.

Sufficiently displaced, it remains, a fragment. My mind is so fragmented by the multitude of elements once integral, now disparate and disassociated. When my mind wanders, I lose all sense of pattern and often lose what little hold I posessed regarding the dream. Then I am left to wonder about it.

I am alarmed by my own inability to remember the experiences of the whole, and I am unable to retain a fragmentary sense, once my mind has moved beyond the core of the contemplation of the fragmentary moment. I may try to regain a sense, but ultimately am only left to puzzle over it.

It was when I began to notice a waking-dream state, wherein I experienced the substantial qualities present in a dream without unconsciousness that I knew that my own separation from BHEN was not far off. For it is in those moments of semi-consciousness, when I would lie on my bed with my eyes closed and be treated to all of the substance of a dream that I knew that my mind was adjusting to the obvious signals that my body was sending it about my own impermanence. It is a dual manifestation of my own state of breathlessness and starvation. The brain begins to supply cues that it is removing the whole integrated self to an intermediate dimension. In the intermediacy, the brain begins to hallucinate, to supply the visual and experiential cues of the dream-state without unconsciousness. It is one defense mechanism that the mind supplies to itself to distance itself from the body that it occupies, which has started to die.

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